QUEEN’S PARK—At a Monday press conference, the Conservative government introduced legislation meant to replace today’s modern computers with computers from 1998, saying, “this ideological experiment is over.”
While critics of the move say computers from the late nineties will leave the Ontario workforce without the tools to meet modern problems, such as running applications, or doing anything other than opening emails, the government has suggested that not enough seniors were consulted in the development of modern computers.
According to the government, the nineties technology will keep up with the demands of the modern workplace just fine. The Windows 98 computers will allow workers to “check emails and play Solitaire, and Minesweeper, remember Minesweeper?” a spokesperson for the party, dressed in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles t-shirt said. “Plus, there’s this cool screensaver where your screen moves around an endless brick maze. I, for one, love mazes.”
One Conservative leadership candidate declared that office workers were too distracted by “downloading pictures of anal sex on their fancy new computers to focus on work.”
Some office workers have already protested the change. Greg Chilcott, a graphic designer from Ottawa, says he’ll keep his modern desktop. “Why would anyone expect us to use anything from 1998? Why would anyone think anything from twenty years ago would be worth forcing on people now?”
The government spokesperson had this to say: “The average office worker just isn’t mature enough to have a quad-core processor at work. They should wait until they reach at least middle management for that. We wouldn’t want to give them too many ideas about quad-cores too early.”
While some luddites applaud the government’s decision, others argue that the law is a shrewd political move simply to appease weird old guys who sell nineties computers out of their basements.
“The old computers work fine!” the spokesperson said, “They can access the World Wide Web and America Online without a hitch. As if! Talk to the hand!”
At the close of the press conference, Conservative MPPs announced that next they were going to replace smartphones with landlines and had bandied about the idea of bringing back teenage boys with bowl cuts and overalls, and on an unrelated note, that they would very much like to bring back straight Ellen DeGeneres.